The Chicken Turns Toymaker and The S.F.C. Hits an All-New Low

I don't even know why I'm going to tell this story.
I'm sure that for this one, somebody is going to be shoveling Hitler's shit in Hell for all of Eternity.
Here goes...

As a joke one year, I made a gag-gift for one of the people in the Sick Fuck Club for his birthday. I made a doll to resemble this girl we all used to be friends with but were no longer speaking to. It was a Mary-Kate (or Ashley) Olsen doll I dressed up in cheap clothes and made it to this girl's likeness. I bought silly things to include in the doll's box, like cheap cigarettes, monopoly money (cause she stole from us), clear Baribe heels (cause she was a 'ho)... You get the picture.

Well, come time for gift-opening, and my doll was a hit. People were pee-ing in their pants laughing & passing it around, amazed at the likeness. Our friend...The Chicken, however, became rather quiet. He took the doll and studied it for a really long time. I didn't know it, but I opened the biggest Pandora's box by letting him see that gift.

Everyone, except for me at the time, worked together in Midtown, and would office-gossip after work. I had heard snippets about a woman that was giving them all trouble, whom no one liked. I also heard Chicken say that she was "pretending" to be sick to get attention. I don't remember the whole story, as I didn't know her. I do remember The Chicken had it out for her, especially since she recently moved into his neighborhood and thought nothing of it to stop by his apartment and torment him about work related issues, even on the weekends.

Fast forward to the Holidays.
Chicken's birthday is December 26th, and we celebrate Christmas and his birthday together every year. It's a big thing.
He was especially secretive but anxious about it that year. He kept mentioning something about a "Surprise" . He's wickedly funny, so we couldn't wait to see what he had in store for us.

It's now Christmas night.
I remember everything at that moment. We were listening to The Jackson 5 Christmas Album, and Nic and I were starting coffee and arranging deserts in her old apartment. There was a small kitchen with a 1/2 wall/bar window overlooking the living room, where everyone was. We were loading up the bar ledge with Italian pastries, and Nic was putting the candles in the Birthday Cake. We sat down on the couch with plates of desert, and Chicken reached into his sack and pulled out several presents and sneered like the Grinch.
My present was on back-order, he said, so he got me a DVD set to "tide me over." What the others got was beyond anything I could have ever imagined anyone making.

Remember the woman that worked with them and lived near the Chicken? The one that tortured him at home and always claimed to be ill? Well... He made a doll of her, complete with props:

1- binoculars to look into his window when he's home
2- H.R. files on everyone at work so she can "rat" on them
...And a bunch of other "things" that made no significance to me.

One thing was strangely obvious about this doll. It had no hair.
Apparently... (I can't believe I'm typing this) one of the last conversations that this poor woman had had with Chicken was that she thought she had Cancer.
So he, with all of his hate, shaved the doll's head.


Ever see something so horribly wrong you don't know how to react to it? Like, you want to laugh out of nervousness, but your stomach is turning so badly that you're not sure if you're going to shit your pants or vomit? Well, that's how I felt... Especially when he took the floor and began "showing off" the features that the "doll" had.

Our friend S. stopped him mid-cluck.

"You know...umm... Chicken,' he said, in a completely somber tone ' This...Cancer... Thing you're claiming she's made up? Well, she has Cancer. And she's not doing well."

The deafening silence was broken by a drunken piece of poultry falling into a heap and crying like a little girl.
Hell of a Night.


The next year blew by us so quickly. Before we knew it, the Holidays were upon us again and we were to celebrate New Year's Eve at Nic and S.'s new apartment. They had just gotten married a few months earlier, and were excited to throw their first party as and "official" married couple.

The guilt for making that damn doll the year before had been looming over Chicken's feathers for quite some time. The woman, whom he had made fun of, passed away, of course, to cancer.
I remember Chicken calling up S. the day he found out and screaming at him "You better get rid of that fucking doll! I'm going to Hell for making it, and you're even worse for letting me give you that doll!"

I guess his way of getting out from under the huge guilt cloud was blaming us... I was at fault because I put the idea into his head because I made one as a gag gift.
Nic and S were at fault because they didn't tell him the woman had cancer until after he made it.
He kept insisting that he was drunk when he made the doll and couldn't be held accountable for the doll's existence. I guess people deal with guilt differently, but this kid was out of control, and impossible to be around.


That Christmas and New Year's was hard because the Chicken was bitchy beyond belief. He almost "cancelled" Christmas because of his little gift-giving fiasco the year before. He was however, still coming to the New Year's party.
That afternoon, I went over the the apartment to help Nic get ready. We were sitting around, baking like bandits, when we got onto the subject of the doll, and the controversy that surrounded it.

"You know, we hit an all-time low, just being in the room when the doll was revealed." I said, as I pressed out snowflake cookies.

"He screamed at us to get rid of that doll, you know. He demanded we throw it out, but I can't throw that thing out! What if children found it? Could you imagine, the Police showing up to our house with a fleet of angry parents behind them?" Nic exclaimed.

"You still have that doll? He's gonna kill you if he ever finds out!" I said, shocked. I thought that thing was long gone.

"Fuck him,' she said " do you know how many other dolls we had to hide for his ass?" ... then she stopped short and turned white.

"What... Other ...Dolls?" I asked, and the moment that questions left my lips, I already knew the answer.

She took a deep breath, and told me a story that held as much spook as the scene from Nightmare on Elm Street, when Nancy's mother takes her to the basement to reveal she stole Freddy Krueger's finger-knives.

"When Chicken saw the doll you made, he became inspired. Obsessed, actually. Remember how he said your gift was backordered? Well, it wasn't."

I felt every part of my body go numb as she got up from the table and went into the home office adjacent to the kitchen.
"We all decided to make one of you... but a good one! We were going to get you a Marilyn Monroe doll, but he insisted that he get the doll since it was his idea. He was in charge of this thing and wouldn't let us help. He was a total bitch... as he has been."

She went into the closet and pulled out a brown box and held it in her trembling hands.

"Well, he "special ordered" it, and one day, it arrived. He wouldn't let us open it at work and he took the box from us to ensure ewe wouldn't peek. He came over... Late as usual... On a Saturday... With this box. We opened it... And this was inside."

She gingerly handed me the box, like a servant about to be beaten, and stepped away. Scared shitless as to what I may find, I went on to find this EXACT DOLL, staring back at me:
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"That MUTHERFUCKER!!!' I went ape-shit ' This FUCKFACE goes to make a doll of ME and THIS is what he comes up with? THIS IS WHAT I LOOK LIKE TO HIM???"
"Now, calm down...When he saw it he knew he couldn't do anything with it...He said they sent the wrong one! Come on, it really doesn't look anything like you!" she insisted, and took the doll away from me.

"Give me the doll' I said calmly. 'Give me the doll, and any other doll he's ever made. Including that cancer doll."

Then, we went to a very bad place.


Per usual, we enlisted the help of our other cohorts, who have had it up to here with chicken's antics.
Plus, he was so insistent about everyone else destroying this horrible cancer doll...He was gonna get it full force that night. We had about an hour or so before he was supposed to get there, so we made a plan.

We planted the doll in the freezer, so as soon as Chick went in, the doll would come falling on top of him. After several "rehearsals" we mapped out where he would go next (turning and running towards the front door was our guess) so we rigged the "me" doll to come hanging from the ceiling as soon as he turned on his feathers to run the other way.
Then we each had a drink.

On cue, Chicken showed up and was cranky. He put on his New Year's Tiara (yes, he had one) and the grouchy fuck told me I looked like shit as soon as he walked in. I was justified in my plan to get back at him.


Finally... It was time.
"Chicken, my drink needs some refreshing. Can you get me an ice cube?" I asked... So nicely.
"Get it yourself... Bitch." he came back with.

(Ooooh, it's ON.)

Nic's father walked into the kitchen (who KNEW about the plan and supported us) and said to him "Actually, can you get me some ice too? I'd really appreciate it."

Chicken wasn't going to disrespect Nic's father, so he got up and went to the Fridge. I held my breath and almost passed out from the anticipation.

All I remember was a gust of cold wind, a scream, a crash, another scream, ice crashing, two feet running, another scream, then a rather LARGE crash.

When it was recapped several minutes later, this is what was told to me:

Chicken went to the fridge, and flung open the freezer door. The doll took an extra few seconds to fall, since it was starting to freeze and "keep" to the bag of frozen peas it was propped on top of. The light from the freezer came from behind the doll's box and gave it that "ahhhhh!" feel. Chick's eyes widened and he screamed like a bitch socked in the tits. He dropped his glass, ice cubes fell all over, and turned and began to run, still screaming. Like clockwork, he saw the Bride of Chucky doll...( And let me tell you something, if you're not expecting it, it'll scare the Bejesus out of you.)
He then ran into a wall in a frenzy, feathers lying everywhere, clucking, and hit the ground.

AND HE NEVER FUCKED WITH US AGAIN..
(yeah, right.)

Truthfully, he cried a little over seeing that doll again. We promised to really get rid of it this time if he would stop being so cunty. We reached an agreement and started the New Year off fresh.

The following year, I wound up taking over that very apartment when Nic and S bought a house. To my surprise, in the closet was a housewarming gift...They left me the dolls (that they never threw out) as leverage, if Chicken ever ever got out of line again.
I actually took a liking to the "Me" doll. I still have her... She's now a part of me.

Oddly enough...The doll... The one we are never to speak of again... Disappeared.
I didn't throw it out, I didn't give it to anyone. I moved into an empty apartment with the dolls in the closet.
Two weeks later, I went into the closet to put away a vacuum, and the doll was gone.

No one knows what happened. I just hope I never see that thing again.

Officially out of the Doll-Making Industry,
xoxoxo,
Rosie