Some Things Are Better Left Unsaid - UPDATED!

I'm sorry to be such a downer after a hiatus from blogging, and on the cusp of the Holiday season, but I've got to talk about something that happened to me yesterday that was quite hurtful for two reasons:
1- that someone would want to say something like this to me at all
2 - That I didn't have the guts to say what I wanted to, in response.

Yesterday, as we all know, was Thanksgiving. My friend and her husband usually host a Desert Feast to all those who want to stop over after Thanksgiving dinner. I went alone last night, mostly because my Fiance can't stand my two friends, for several reasons.
Anyway, this was one of my first times out in front of people since my major surgery, and I was quite excited and feeling pretty. This should have been Warning # 1 that something was bound to go wrong. (The last time I made the mistake of "feeling pretty" was when I went to work wearing a new Ivory sun dress, and felt like a doll. The new Intern promptly killed my buzz when he asked me when I was "due".)
Anyway, I ignored the signs and went over to my friend's home. Her whole family was there, along with her In-Laws and some mutual friends. I've known her family since I was a kid, so I feel like a part of the family when I'm with them all.

I need to interrupt the story here to give you some background on her mom. God Love her, I know I do, but she's hurt me more times than I could count based on weight-related comments. She knew me at my heaviest, and saw me go up and down the scale. Being about 5 feet tall and morbidly obese herself, she talks freely about weight issues. All The Time. I remember when her daughter was getting married, and we were trying on Bridesmaid Dresses. I sat down in the large dressing room, and watched as one of the girls put on a dress. Her mom came over to me and whispered in my ear "I know what it feels like to be the only fat girl in a room full of thin pretty women. Don't let it get to you."

I'm all about solidarity, but please, don't break my heart while trying to side with me. Seriously.

Back to the story.
Last night, her mom cornered me in the kitchen and congratulated me on my weight loss and surgery. As I was saying Thank You, she grabbed my arm and said:
"Now, don't screw it up. You've come too far to go back and make your old mistakes. Food isn't worth it, and no one wants to see you blow back up again."

I interrupted with "I'm not an idiot, I can handle myself."

She continued with "Not for nothing, but you better not gain weight again. You had a lot of work done and it would be a shame to see you get that way again. You need to think about that."

(I need to think about that? Is she crazy?)

As calmly as I could, I repeated myself. "I'm not an idiot. I know how to handle myself. I don't make the same mistake over and over."

With that, I walked away, and strongly considered leaving.

What I wanted to say was "How DARE YOU sit there and tell me that I can't fuck up what I've worked so hard for? I have been on constant diet and exercise for almost 3 years with no screw-up! I lost almost 160 pounds ON MY OWN and just had to have major body surgery! I didn't have it all sucked out! It was ME that did it! You don't have to tell me how hard it was... I DID IT! THREE FUCKING YEARS I ALONE DID IT WITH NO HELP FROM YOU OR ANYONE ELSE!!! NOT YOU, ME! AND HOW FUCKING DARE YOU REMIND ME OF WHAT I WAS? WHY CAN'T YOU LET A COMPLIMENT BE A COMPLIMENT AND LEAVE IT AT THAT? DO YOU SEE ME HERE WITH 5 PLATES OF DESERT IN FRONT OF ME? NO!!! CONCENTRATE ON YOURSELF, YOUR WEIGHT, YOUR HEALTH AND YOUR MISTAKES, NOT MINE!!!"
Then, I would have left, gotten into my car and cried my eyes out.
I felt like John Lennon, after that reporter called him "The Fat Beatle."
I never want to eat again.

Instead, I sucked it up and I stayed and pretended, once again, like nothing was wrong. I didn't want to cause any issues with the family, or my friend, because, bottom line, that is her mother. I let it go, but my heart was broken.
As I drove the few blocks home last night, I realized that this is going to be the typical response I'll get from her probably for the rest of my life. She's obsessed with weight. I can't help that. She's constantly talking about her own weight issues, and I can understand. For whatever reason she feels that she needs to remind me not to be fat, and not to have desert ever again in my life, well, that's her issue. I've just got to work on me not being affected by it any more. That will take some time.

I haven't told anyone on my Dad's side of the family about my surgery, because, well, they're fucking mean. They subscribe to the "You Never Can be Too Thin" way of life, and damn anyone who is even one pound overweight. That mentality went hand in hand with cattiness...You can imagine this was hell for me, growing up. After I finally lost a ton of weight, they started describing me as "Beautiful." As I lost more, the rumors flew that I had a Gastric Bypass... Which I didn't. My one cousin said "There's no way I can ever handle you ever being thinner than ME." "Her brother responded with "The only way she could lose weight was is you sewed her lips together or removed her stomach. I see her lips moving, so it had to have been her stomach. She could never do it on her own."
My biggest fans.
If they had known that I had the lift surgery, then they would automatically discredit all of the work I've done for all of these years and chalked it up to Plastic Surgery. I guess I don't understand, and I never will.

As much as I feel the need to make my voice heard as far as my life has been, my weight loss journey (as hokey as that may sound) I still wish I could go someplace where people didn't know. That way, I wouldn't be introduced to a group of people, followed by "She used to be SO FAT! How much weight did you lose?"
I also wouldn't have all eyes on me if I reached for a cracker, either. That would be nice.

I guess I'm thankful that I'm no longer where I used to be, and that I'm also not of the close-minded set. I just wish more people would look at me as a person, and not as someone who is about to fall. I've proven that I won't... To myself. That's all that should matter. It just hurts like hell when someone reminds you of what you used to be.

UPDATE:
While I'm on a roll...
Here are some of the terrible things that were said to me as an Obese person.

When my friend was getting married in 2002, we all went to try on Bridesmaid dresses, and my God, they were beautiful.
I just finished trying on the sample dress, and gave it to another girl to try on. I sat down and watched everyone getting excited about the upcoming nuptials.
All of the sudden, I hear the following words whispered in my ear
"Don't worry, honey. I know what it's like to be the only FAT GIRL in a room full of pretty, thin girls."
(You guessed it, my friend's mother, who felt the need to remind me not to be fat again Thanksgiving Night.)

I worked 10 hours at the Pharmacy one day, and didn't take a break. I only had one cup of coffee in the AM, and my Pharmacist bought me a slice of pizza. I put it in the fridge so that when I had a break ,I could eat it.
Two hours later, I felt like I was going to pass out. I reached into the fridge and pulled out the one slice and went to go into our side room.
"Hey, honey' I heard, as a customer, a quite UGLY male tried to get my attention ' You Don't wanna eat that." Excuse me? "You're too fat to eat that!"

In college, I embarked on one of my MANY diets. I would drop 20 pounds in no time, but gain it all back. One girl, a short, snout-like actress who thought she was the epitome of Beauty (her name? Esther - and I don't feel bad mentioning her name because I fucking hate her) said to me in a sing-song-y voice filled with fake support and enthusiasm:
"Ooohhh, you'll be so pretty if you ever lose weight!"

If?!?!? Fuck you, pig!


Overheard from a childhood friend that I had known since I was three:
"When she's around, I can do no wrong. If some bitch wants to fight me, all I have to do is ask Rossi to get out of the car. They'll take one look at her and run away."


And this one hurt more than anyone could have ever imagined.
This came from my Father, who, at the time, was heavy into alcohol.
We were sitting down, talking about how his sisters and mom treated me differently because of my weight.
He said to me that I was special, and if I never get married - because I'm so heavy - , he'll still love me.
He also told me that I'll never be beautiful in a Marilyn Monroe or Supermodel kind of way. I will be an Oprah, or a Camryn Manheim...Maybe a Kathy Bates, but never a Supermodel. And that's the way it's going to be.

(Note, there is nothing wrong with Oprah, or Camryn, or Kathy. I think they're all amazing, gorgeous women. The statement hurt because it was in the manner in which those people were used.)

Can you IMAGINE your own father telling you that you'll never be a beauty? Wow. Daddies are supposed to tell their daughters they are beautiful and all that jazz.
The bottom fell out on me that day.

There have been many more things that have been said to me.
Maybe this is why I almost never see myself as "Beautiful", or talented, or anything positive. It takes a lot to look in the mirror some days. I've always had a problem thinking that other people see me as I always have... As a fat turd with messy hair, or sometimes as a bleach-blonde caricature of Anna Nicole Smith, who for a long time I was constantly compared to (via the Anna Nicole Show)
Do you really want to be compared to THIS???


These are all layers-deep issues that I'm working on. People may think that I'm lazy, that I can now have whatever career I want, and that I could be unstoppable if I only got up off my ass and did it. That's not the case.
I'm not lazy, I'm just shit-scared.
Every time I try to sing, I hear "It's not over till the Fat Lady Sings" in my head. This used to be said to me in camp, and in the shows I used have solos in. I'm scared to sing. Sometimes, nothing comes out.
I can't see myself as a model or an actress most times, because I've played character roles for so long. I used to make audiences laugh just by walking out. I felt like I was cast to be delivered to the audience, on a platter, as the fat girl comic relief.


This was me then... deep down, it IS still me. I lived through all of this. I don't need to be reminded. I don't need to be ridiculed. No one does.


Well, that's my rant for today. Sorry to get "activist" on all y'all... It was on my mind, and I needed to say it.
I promise the next post will be funny. I hope. :)

xoxoxo,
Rosiegal